Buy me a Mac or I will totally cease breathing. It’s true! I will be completely unable to continue living if I do not have a Mac Pro Book or Pro Book Mac or whatever by … um … Thursday. Totally.

My fusty old PC is around 4 years old and in computer terms that means it’s almost time for the computer senior citizens community (with virtual lawn bowling and everything!) or to have its memories put in cold storage, never to live again, like they just did to Xena Warrior Princess on Battlestar Galactica – harsh.

In other words, the old bag’s gonna croak soon and I’ve already started backing up my iTunes before the inevitable senility kicks in (not mine). But I’m tired of paying money to be enrolled in Microsoft’s crappy beta testing programme. For example, the latest batch of Gates updates slipped into my computer to fix some “hole” they just “discovered” in my Windows XP even though the shit’s been on the market for 5 fucking years makes my Messenger turn all white and freeze, my media player freeze and stutter at surprising times, like when I was watching a Jon Stewart clip and it froze on Dick Cheney’s name and repeated it over and over: “Dick … Dick … Dick … Dick …” Hahahahaha! Awesome.

Once something screwed up bad, I have no idea what, and so I had to reinstall everything according to the Dell guy with whom I could barely communicate even though I speak like 5 languages (I even speak English!). It still didn’t work and so I called Dell and they said I had to contact Microsoft and Microsoft was all “why did you do that, loser” and sent me back to Dell who were like “dude, it’s not our fault” and I was totally “you guys are all a bunch of rank, reeking douchebags”. And now that computer is a really cool piece of found art in-waiting in my storage room. And yet I still bought from the same pieces of bull kaka who sold me the other one.

So I totally need a Mac when this one goes. I’ll risk the exploding batteries because when a Mac goes off, all you have to do is take it back to the Mac store rather than have everybody who sold it to you fight over whose responsibility it isn’t. I’ll miss right click, but I won’t miss updates that turn my operating system into that chick from The Three Faces of Eve (the desperate housewife, the evil whore, and the boring goody two shoes – a total patriarchal viewpoint of perceived feminine archetypes witnessed as a whole if you ask me, but what do I know?).

Plus, when you close or minimise something on a Mac it does that totally cool squish and swoop thing into its icon thingy. And the new operating system is called Leopard. Leopard. I can hear jungle drums and bird calls. Not like with Vista which sounds like a totally stupid name the boring, self-important, narcissistic competitors on The Apprentice would name their team immediately before they commence back-stabbing and whining about how someone else totally isn’t a team player and shit or something. And that is something I really don’t need on my computer.

And I totally need an iPhone too or I’ll explode.

(Top image totally pillaged from Bloom County)