If I spent as much effort on my career as I do trying to get laid, I would have been able to retire at my venerable age of 36. I can think of no reason why I should want to spend so much time in a naked, vulnerable situation with men since I can’t stand them and wish them nothing but horror and agony (aside from me of course). I am occasionally struck with the idea that my life would be much simpler if I were a lesbian instead of a gay man.

Most of my efforts are spent on online dating (typed with air quotes around “dating” – see?). Here are some things I have learned about the language of online dating over the years:

• “In shape” – Means bulked up on steroids. It does not mean “can run 10K no problem and then cool off by doing a little astanga yoga” as I myself can do (which I think means I’m a little more than “in shape”). This also means this guy looking for other in-shape guys has steroid-related rage issues, medically shrunken testicles and is looking for someone just as vapid as he and who lives and loves in the gym. Sexy!
• “Normal” and “discreet” – still in the closet. Come on. It’s 2007, boys. Often coupled with “non-scene” or some variation. “Discreet” is more often than not misspelt as “discrete”, which is a very telling error.
• No picture – In the closet (see above) and cheating on wife. Probably has kids and the whole household is miserable. This translates as a very selfish, greedy man.



• Only pictures of body, cock, or butt – Basically saying, “All I have to offer are my muscles, enormous dick, bubble butt”. Yawn.
• “Down to earth” – If one more guys describes himself as down-to-earth (yes, it requires hyphens) I will drown myself in my smoothie. As far as I’m concerned, it just means boring.
• “Masculine” – Asshole
• “Str8-acting” – Do you mean like Don Knotts or do you mean like Dame Edna? Both straight. (See “Masculine” above)
• Acronym-filled, punctuation-free profiles – Avoid at all costs unless you don’t mind being saddled with someone who doesn’t really care how he comes across and wants you to do all the communication work. I guess some people are into that.
• “Looking for other lonely guys”/”I understand your pain” (or more frequently “you’re pain”) – psycho killer
• “Looking for sincere, honest guys. Not into game-players or liars” – Do they honestly believe that someone will read their profile and think, “Oh dear. Not only am I disingenuous and dishonest, but I also just loooove to play mind games. I’d probably better not contact this guy because it obviously won’t work out”? These phrases and their variations (“openness required”, “genuineness a must”) demonstrate a doormat with baggage, and not a very smart one. This is not very attractive.
• “Drug & disease free” or “D&D free and want to stay that way” – This is the absolute worst. Not only is in insensitive but it boldly and quite stupidly states, “I know absolutely nothing about safer sex”. This is an invitation to self-infect since the implications. Think about this: since the incubation period for HIV is around 3 months, and because some guys never get themselves tested, a guy who claims to be HIV- may actually be HIV+ and not even know it. Is using a condom so very hard (pun fully intended)?

Why should all this matter if you’re just looking for sex? Well, you have to have standards or you might as well be standing on the corner propositioning anything that walks by with something dangling between its legs.

But more importantly, if you’re like me you still want your lust with a tinge of romance. It makes the connection much more intense. And who knows? Despite years of evidence to the contrary maybe romance is only in a self-induced coma instead of completely moribund. You never know who you’ll connect with, so it’s better to be prepared.

Check out one of my profiles here and see if you can tell me why I attract mostly freaks and losers (WARNING: you learn the approximate size of my penis).

Who said that Torontonians are boring, cold, and unfeeling?

Microsoft’s brilliant marking installation, an 1800sqft ice house in Dundas Square, tells you precisely what will happen when you install Vista: your computer will freeze. Perhaps the Redmond, Washington-based software company believed Canadians, who all live in igloos, would feel right at home in their icy digs.

To make the Microsoft – or perhaps the Mac – experience that much more bold Überave is having an unofficial, unapproved dance party in the house that Gates built because well, who doesn’t want to dance around in a frozen kitchen? Starts at 6PM this evening. Get there before the police beat the crap out of everyone!

(Totally pillaged from Torontoist)

What can you say to this other than WTF!?  Highlights include the fairy princess whose butt says “No peace, no pussy” and the donkey-headed hippy.  I have a soft spot for the manically dancing elasto-hipster wanna-bes (we are talking bloggers who designed an animtaed Internet protest here) carrying their cute, illegible cyber-signs. What can I say? I’m a benevolent nurturer and when I see something truly pathetic I just want to give it a great big hug.

Holy crap! I may be a lefty, but I’m not stupid. I’m sure your Internets tubes cartoon has totally got the GOP’s attention, Princess Donkey Lover. Although the song’s kinda cool.

(Totally pillaged from Wonkette)

Microsoft is getting all high on the packaging of their brand new product whose marketing strategy is a two-pronged attack:

• All the security we promised you the last time around and kind of delivered in drips and drabs that screwed everything else on your computer up but yay anyways!
• And now we look even more like Mac!

Hurray!

After plotting how to make the Gateseses cry by contemplating Macs, I decided to be fair and try out their Vista Tester to find out exactly how much of a Neolithic Neanderthal computer I bought only 4 years ago and how much money it will cost me to upgrade every piece of hardware to be eligible to pay lots of money to enrol in the Gates Vista Covert Beta Testing Programme buy Vista. They did not disappoint!

Even to get the basic version for people who have no idea what they’re doing but want to be all Microsoft hip, I’d have to buy all sorts of memory upgrades for my computer that was cutting edge and full of storage all the way back at the very beginning of this millennium, those many not-even-a-decade years ago.

But, they assure me, I really really REALLY must have the premium edition or my children will have rocks thrown at them by Vista Premium owners’ children as they slink shoeless through the back alleys to school. It’s a good thing I’m a single gay man with no children (never thought I’d ever write that sentence a couple of decades ago when I was struggling to come out). To avoid this, I only have to replace everything, including all the shit the manufacturer made me buy or they’d kill my cat.

The most hilarious thing about it all was that they warn me that their brand new, super-duper OS may not be compatible with their brand new, super-duper messenger and their brand new super-duper browser.

Do they not have team meetings at that place? It’s like they tell the legs to walk but forget to mention it to the feet. Oh, you entertaining Microsoft guys! It’s so cute the way you totally bilk us out of hundreds of dollars every few years for stuff that kinda works much of the time! Is it perhaps a psychological experiment on anger management?

Buy me a Mac or I will totally cease breathing. It’s true! I will be completely unable to continue living if I do not have a Mac Pro Book or Pro Book Mac or whatever by … um … Thursday. Totally.

My fusty old PC is around 4 years old and in computer terms that means it’s almost time for the computer senior citizens community (with virtual lawn bowling and everything!) or to have its memories put in cold storage, never to live again, like they just did to Xena Warrior Princess on Battlestar Galactica – harsh.

In other words, the old bag’s gonna croak soon and I’ve already started backing up my iTunes before the inevitable senility kicks in (not mine). But I’m tired of paying money to be enrolled in Microsoft’s crappy beta testing programme. For example, the latest batch of Gates updates slipped into my computer to fix some “hole” they just “discovered” in my Windows XP even though the shit’s been on the market for 5 fucking years makes my Messenger turn all white and freeze, my media player freeze and stutter at surprising times, like when I was watching a Jon Stewart clip and it froze on Dick Cheney’s name and repeated it over and over: “Dick … Dick … Dick … Dick …” Hahahahaha! Awesome.

Once something screwed up bad, I have no idea what, and so I had to reinstall everything according to the Dell guy with whom I could barely communicate even though I speak like 5 languages (I even speak English!). It still didn’t work and so I called Dell and they said I had to contact Microsoft and Microsoft was all “why did you do that, loser” and sent me back to Dell who were like “dude, it’s not our fault” and I was totally “you guys are all a bunch of rank, reeking douchebags”. And now that computer is a really cool piece of found art in-waiting in my storage room. And yet I still bought from the same pieces of bull kaka who sold me the other one.

So I totally need a Mac when this one goes. I’ll risk the exploding batteries because when a Mac goes off, all you have to do is take it back to the Mac store rather than have everybody who sold it to you fight over whose responsibility it isn’t. I’ll miss right click, but I won’t miss updates that turn my operating system into that chick from The Three Faces of Eve (the desperate housewife, the evil whore, and the boring goody two shoes – a total patriarchal viewpoint of perceived feminine archetypes witnessed as a whole if you ask me, but what do I know?).

Plus, when you close or minimise something on a Mac it does that totally cool squish and swoop thing into its icon thingy. And the new operating system is called Leopard. Leopard. I can hear jungle drums and bird calls. Not like with Vista which sounds like a totally stupid name the boring, self-important, narcissistic competitors on The Apprentice would name their team immediately before they commence back-stabbing and whining about how someone else totally isn’t a team player and shit or something. And that is something I really don’t need on my computer.

And I totally need an iPhone too or I’ll explode.

(Top image totally pillaged from Bloom County)