Hurray! Good news for lazy bums health conscious people like you and me! According to researchers, taking naps is good for us and will make us live forever and ever!

A six-year study of nearly 24,000 Greek adults found that those who consistently took midday naps had a one-third lower risk of dying from heart disease.

“Afternoon siesta in a healthy individual may act as a stress-releasing habit,” says the report.

I have always been led to believe that closing my office door for a little beauty sleep was a bad thing, that it demonstrates a complete lack of stepping-up-to-the-platedness and no initiative or team spirit and all that other jargon they use on The Apprentice. Now it turns out that I’ve been right all along. Take that, boss who once humiliated me in front of the entire accounting department! Ooooo! *SsssssNAP!*

According to researchers, bosses who push us to work harder and drink more coffee in order to work harder are really malevolent slave drivers whose sole desire is to watch us suffer through long and agonising diseases ultimately leading to death and eventual unemployment.

According to a Cornell University study, sleep-deprived workers cost U.S. industry $150 billion a year in reduced job productivity and fatigue-related accidents.

Harvard-trained research scientist Sara Mednick, author of the book “Take a Nap! Change your life.” told CTV News recently that sleep deprivation can lead to a whole host of health problems such as increased risk of heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, depression, decreased libido and obesity.

Heart disease and decreased libido?! They’re trying to kill us all and depopulate the planet (and take away our fun!), leaving the Earth a barren wasted orb across whose surface wander naught but cockroaches and roving bands of Boards of Directors.

So take your nap! Live free and full your life and fill the lives of others with joy and mirth! And when your boss yells at you for napping on the job, tell them they’re a murderer and then file a human rights complaint with HR. Do it. I dare you.

My breakfast today is my third cup of coffee of the morning and a delicious power bar, with a hilarious label exclaiming, “Now more moist!” (chocolate-flavoured Egyptian mummy. Yum!). Later I may have some orange juice for, y’know, vitamins and shit.

It’s Saturday and there are several practical things I could do. I could clean my apartment which these days is tending towards crazy cat lady chic. Hey! – If bears don’t have to clean their dens in wintertime, neither do I.

I could do some yoga since I’m skipping my actual class this afternoon do go on a date. But why bother? It’s Saturday and it’s like Saturday.

Just to make sure I’m in prime condition for my date – I haven’t had sex in three whole weeks! – I could rest and relax all morning. Maybe go back to bed and read my book, a history of ancient Sumer. This will make me sound brilliant and witty when I just happen to mention that there are competing theories on the origins of the Sumerian people and totally get me some sugar. Hooray!

I could also sit in the bathroom all morning and flush my toilet over and over again, making showers a quick hellish trip from the Equator to the Arctic and back for my neighbours. It’s what they seem to do to me when I shower, eh.

I could go for a jog, but it’s like snowing and everything. And like, yuck.

I could play tag with my cat. This is his favourite game ever and he probably won’t stop mewing at me until I’ve chased him around the couch a few times. This has the added bonus of irritating my evil witch of a downstairs neighbour who bangs on my floor with her broomstick whenever my neighbours play their music loud. Old bag.

Or I could just go back to bed.