If I spent as much effort on my career as I do trying to get laid, I would have been able to retire at my venerable age of 36. I can think of no reason why I should want to spend so much time in a naked, vulnerable situation with men since I can’t stand them and wish them nothing but horror and agony (aside from me of course). I am occasionally struck with the idea that my life would be much simpler if I were a lesbian instead of a gay man.

Most of my efforts are spent on online dating (typed with air quotes around “dating” – see?). Here are some things I have learned about the language of online dating over the years:

• “In shape” – Means bulked up on steroids. It does not mean “can run 10K no problem and then cool off by doing a little astanga yoga” as I myself can do (which I think means I’m a little more than “in shape”). This also means this guy looking for other in-shape guys has steroid-related rage issues, medically shrunken testicles and is looking for someone just as vapid as he and who lives and loves in the gym. Sexy!
• “Normal” and “discreet” – still in the closet. Come on. It’s 2007, boys. Often coupled with “non-scene” or some variation. “Discreet” is more often than not misspelt as “discrete”, which is a very telling error.
• No picture – In the closet (see above) and cheating on wife. Probably has kids and the whole household is miserable. This translates as a very selfish, greedy man.



• Only pictures of body, cock, or butt – Basically saying, “All I have to offer are my muscles, enormous dick, bubble butt”. Yawn.
• “Down to earth” – If one more guys describes himself as down-to-earth (yes, it requires hyphens) I will drown myself in my smoothie. As far as I’m concerned, it just means boring.
• “Masculine” – Asshole
• “Str8-acting” – Do you mean like Don Knotts or do you mean like Dame Edna? Both straight. (See “Masculine” above)
• Acronym-filled, punctuation-free profiles – Avoid at all costs unless you don’t mind being saddled with someone who doesn’t really care how he comes across and wants you to do all the communication work. I guess some people are into that.
• “Looking for other lonely guys”/”I understand your pain” (or more frequently “you’re pain”) – psycho killer
• “Looking for sincere, honest guys. Not into game-players or liars” – Do they honestly believe that someone will read their profile and think, “Oh dear. Not only am I disingenuous and dishonest, but I also just loooove to play mind games. I’d probably better not contact this guy because it obviously won’t work out”? These phrases and their variations (“openness required”, “genuineness a must”) demonstrate a doormat with baggage, and not a very smart one. This is not very attractive.
• “Drug & disease free” or “D&D free and want to stay that way” – This is the absolute worst. Not only is in insensitive but it boldly and quite stupidly states, “I know absolutely nothing about safer sex”. This is an invitation to self-infect since the implications. Think about this: since the incubation period for HIV is around 3 months, and because some guys never get themselves tested, a guy who claims to be HIV- may actually be HIV+ and not even know it. Is using a condom so very hard (pun fully intended)?

Why should all this matter if you’re just looking for sex? Well, you have to have standards or you might as well be standing on the corner propositioning anything that walks by with something dangling between its legs.

But more importantly, if you’re like me you still want your lust with a tinge of romance. It makes the connection much more intense. And who knows? Despite years of evidence to the contrary maybe romance is only in a self-induced coma instead of completely moribund. You never know who you’ll connect with, so it’s better to be prepared.

Check out one of my profiles here and see if you can tell me why I attract mostly freaks and losers (WARNING: you learn the approximate size of my penis).

My breakfast today is my third cup of coffee of the morning and a delicious power bar, with a hilarious label exclaiming, “Now more moist!” (chocolate-flavoured Egyptian mummy. Yum!). Later I may have some orange juice for, y’know, vitamins and shit.

It’s Saturday and there are several practical things I could do. I could clean my apartment which these days is tending towards crazy cat lady chic. Hey! – If bears don’t have to clean their dens in wintertime, neither do I.

I could do some yoga since I’m skipping my actual class this afternoon do go on a date. But why bother? It’s Saturday and it’s like Saturday.

Just to make sure I’m in prime condition for my date – I haven’t had sex in three whole weeks! – I could rest and relax all morning. Maybe go back to bed and read my book, a history of ancient Sumer. This will make me sound brilliant and witty when I just happen to mention that there are competing theories on the origins of the Sumerian people and totally get me some sugar. Hooray!

I could also sit in the bathroom all morning and flush my toilet over and over again, making showers a quick hellish trip from the Equator to the Arctic and back for my neighbours. It’s what they seem to do to me when I shower, eh.

I could go for a jog, but it’s like snowing and everything. And like, yuck.

I could play tag with my cat. This is his favourite game ever and he probably won’t stop mewing at me until I’ve chased him around the couch a few times. This has the added bonus of irritating my evil witch of a downstairs neighbour who bangs on my floor with her broomstick whenever my neighbours play their music loud. Old bag.

Or I could just go back to bed.