Medieval Tech Suppport

From Norweigian comedy duo Øystein og Meg (Øystein and Me), a medieval monk learns how to use his brand new piece of technology, a “book”.

Mighty big changes when I rule Canada, eh

Canada’s ruling minority Conservative party is starting rumours that it may or may not be wanting to hold an election this year because they’re worried about Quebec (what a shock) and barbecues or something. Broken yesterday, the story has died a quick and painless death because everyone knows that if an election were held anytime soon, Canadians – almost all of whom now equate politicians with traffic cops, tax auditors, and that substitute teacher you had in elementary school who you could make cry within 10 minutes – would vote for Rick Mercer or #6 from Battlestar Galactica rather than deal with another middle aged, self-important ex-businessman with boring hair.

Canadian elections are boring. Why? Because they focus on such tedious minutia as “issues” and “topics the mean something to Canadians” and stuff like that. It’s nothing like the rollercoaster of American elections where everyone from your campaign manager’s best friend’s wife’s boss’ daughter to your kindergarten teacher is thrust forward as a character reference while icky stuff like issues are given snappy titles and bullet points. Hurray for making things palatable!

Read what will happen when I rule the country after the jump!

Fighting crime isn’t always glamorous

Sexy!

From the benevolent guys on Wall Street comes this fantastic piece of news:

Why is Wall Street so infatuated with cigarettes? Cigarettes have certain advantages over other consumer products, not the least of which is that they are addictive. They are inexpensive to make, require almost no innovation, there is a global market for them, and cigarette makers can raise prices without seeing much of a drop in business.

In other words, the have a captive market for a product that has no foreseeable replacement other than years of decline and horrible suffering followed by death. Everyone would want to get onboard this a speeding train. Not content with wearing the sweat of poverty-stricken 3rd world workers to get your daily quota of 1st world self-righteousness? Well then invest in the hostage-taking of millions of stupid, stupid people.

And the good news keeps on coming. Hurray!

The future prospects are particularly attractive in developing countries, where smoking has not yet declined as it has in more developed parts of the world like the United States and Europe.

Now you can break their backs in sweatshops and ruin their health while making tons of dough to buy that set of silk sheets you’ve always wanted. Ain’t life grand!

Bye-bye, polar bears

But remember, global warming is totally a myth!

Blogger’s Rating Slips, Kills Pets

Bloggers across the world were stunned and horrified at the news that a 47-year-old woman from Ottumwa, Iowa killed her gerbil and an entire bowl of goldfish simply because her ranking on a popular link exchange site had slipped.

“So yeah. I spent all this time on this post on finally finding a brand of ketchup I can use in cool recipes and just on hot dog’s when I feel like just hotdog’s, wrote the blogger only identified by police as Rootin Tootin Rita on her blog Radical Ramblings of Rootin Tootin Ritas Roarin Roundup on her blog this morning after killing the animals, “and I spend all this time finding a cute blinking little image that reminds of Hello Kitty and I finally figure out how to make my blog play music as soon as you click on it (I chose Rhythm of the Nite by Debarge because it like totally rox and everyone really loves it!) and some total @-hole comes and gives me a bad rating so instead of being 7.5 im 7.2??!!! No Thank You!”

“What’s the matter @-hole, dont ya like ketchup! Hootie and the Blowfish must die.”

Although she was referring to the gerbil (Hootie) and the goldfish, police were summoned to the scene when another vigilant blogger who actually knows Rootin Tootin Rita – a rarity among bloggers – read this morning’s post and alerted them to a possible death threat against a soft pop band popular during mid-1990s known for their songs about golf.

“I though it was a little strange,” said the second blogger who would only identify himself as the Sybarite Skinflint, “because I thought Hootie and the Blowfish were already dead.”

The reaction across the blogosphere, renowned for its measured, considered responses, has been swift. Noted rightwing blogger Michelle Malkin praised Ms Tootin Rita as a “true patriot” for her love of ketchup and for killing the animals since many pets enter the United States illegally through foreign pet store networks, she claims. “What kind of sicko doesn’t want to kill foreign animals?” she asked.

Ms Malkin then published the blogger’s home address and phone number for “anyone who wanted to let this true red-as-ketchup-blooded American know what we think of her”.

On the left, Ariana Huffington wrote a scathing critique of the Bush Administration’s inability to enhance the free speech of bloggers by stifling the practice of blog rating. “How many dead gerbils, how many uprooted daisies, how many lawn sets smashed to smithereens before Dubya rides his mountain bike up the steep mountain slope of responsible regulation of this scourge on the face of blissful and free blogging?” wrote Ms Huffington, on her popular blog The Huffinton Post this morning.

The most unexpected reaction was from PETA who, in light of the killings, have labelled blogging as harmful to animals and are rumoured to be working on a virus that will be spread through various link exchange sites and blog search engines, in their spare time when they’re not throwing crap on Beyonce fans.

But whatever the reaction, the little gerbil wheel isn’t spinning anymore. And no one is swimming through the gates of the little plastic castle on a lonely and desolate fishbowl. And only the ketchup bottle knows why.

(Pillaged, as a test run, from my old blog)