Hurrah for smug lefty geeks!

What can you say to this other than WTF!?  Highlights include the fairy princess whose butt says “No peace, no pussy” and the donkey-headed hippy.  I have a soft spot for the manically dancing elasto-hipster wanna-bes (we are talking bloggers who designed an animtaed Internet protest here) carrying their cute, illegible cyber-signs. What can I say? I’m a benevolent nurturer and when I see something truly pathetic I just want to give it a great big hug.

Holy crap! I may be a lefty, but I’m not stupid. I’m sure your Internets tubes cartoon has totally got the GOP’s attention, Princess Donkey Lover. Although the song’s kinda cool.

(Totally pillaged from Wonkette)

Sexy!

From the benevolent guys on Wall Street comes this fantastic piece of news:

Why is Wall Street so infatuated with cigarettes? Cigarettes have certain advantages over other consumer products, not the least of which is that they are addictive. They are inexpensive to make, require almost no innovation, there is a global market for them, and cigarette makers can raise prices without seeing much of a drop in business.

In other words, the have a captive market for a product that has no foreseeable replacement other than years of decline and horrible suffering followed by death. Everyone would want to get onboard this a speeding train. Not content with wearing the sweat of poverty-stricken 3rd world workers to get your daily quota of 1st world self-righteousness? Well then invest in the hostage-taking of millions of stupid, stupid people.

And the good news keeps on coming. Hurray!

The future prospects are particularly attractive in developing countries, where smoking has not yet declined as it has in more developed parts of the world like the United States and Europe.

Now you can break their backs in sweatshops and ruin their health while making tons of dough to buy that set of silk sheets you’ve always wanted. Ain’t life grand!

My baloney has a first name…

Microsoft is getting all high on the packaging of their brand new product whose marketing strategy is a two-pronged attack:

• All the security we promised you the last time around and kind of delivered in drips and drabs that screwed everything else on your computer up but yay anyways!
• And now we look even more like Mac!

Hurray!

After plotting how to make the Gateseses cry by contemplating Macs, I decided to be fair and try out their Vista Tester to find out exactly how much of a Neolithic Neanderthal computer I bought only 4 years ago and how much money it will cost me to upgrade every piece of hardware to be eligible to pay lots of money to enrol in the Gates Vista Covert Beta Testing Programme buy Vista. They did not disappoint!

Even to get the basic version for people who have no idea what they’re doing but want to be all Microsoft hip, I’d have to buy all sorts of memory upgrades for my computer that was cutting edge and full of storage all the way back at the very beginning of this millennium, those many not-even-a-decade years ago.

But, they assure me, I really really REALLY must have the premium edition or my children will have rocks thrown at them by Vista Premium owners’ children as they slink shoeless through the back alleys to school. It’s a good thing I’m a single gay man with no children (never thought I’d ever write that sentence a couple of decades ago when I was struggling to come out). To avoid this, I only have to replace everything, including all the shit the manufacturer made me buy or they’d kill my cat.

The most hilarious thing about it all was that they warn me that their brand new, super-duper OS may not be compatible with their brand new, super-duper messenger and their brand new super-duper browser.

Do they not have team meetings at that place? It’s like they tell the legs to walk but forget to mention it to the feet. Oh, you entertaining Microsoft guys! It’s so cute the way you totally bilk us out of hundreds of dollars every few years for stuff that kinda works much of the time! Is it perhaps a psychological experiment on anger management?

Straight talk

Guess what? Some blogs have stumbled across an amazing fact! John McCain is just as much a lying douchebag pandering to his audience as any other politician. I am totally overwhelmed with shock.

(Totally pillaged from Americablog)

Buy me a Mac or I will totally perish

Buy me a Mac or I will totally cease breathing. It’s true! I will be completely unable to continue living if I do not have a Mac Pro Book or Pro Book Mac or whatever by … um … Thursday. Totally.

My fusty old PC is around 4 years old and in computer terms that means it’s almost time for the computer senior citizens community (with virtual lawn bowling and everything!) or to have its memories put in cold storage, never to live again, like they just did to Xena Warrior Princess on Battlestar Galactica – harsh.

In other words, the old bag’s gonna croak soon and I’ve already started backing up my iTunes before the inevitable senility kicks in (not mine). But I’m tired of paying money to be enrolled in Microsoft’s crappy beta testing programme. For example, the latest batch of Gates updates slipped into my computer to fix some “hole” they just “discovered” in my Windows XP even though the shit’s been on the market for 5 fucking years makes my Messenger turn all white and freeze, my media player freeze and stutter at surprising times, like when I was watching a Jon Stewart clip and it froze on Dick Cheney’s name and repeated it over and over: “Dick … Dick … Dick … Dick …” Hahahahaha! Awesome.

Bye-bye, polar bears

But remember, global warming is totally a myth!

Ancient Sumerians help me get laid!

My breakfast today is my third cup of coffee of the morning and a delicious power bar, with a hilarious label exclaiming, “Now more moist!” (chocolate-flavoured Egyptian mummy. Yum!). Later I may have some orange juice for, y’know, vitamins and shit.

It’s Saturday and there are several practical things I could do. I could clean my apartment which these days is tending towards crazy cat lady chic. Hey! – If bears don’t have to clean their dens in wintertime, neither do I.

I could do some yoga since I’m skipping my actual class this afternoon do go on a date. But why bother? It’s Saturday and it’s like Saturday.

Just to make sure I’m in prime condition for my date – I haven’t had sex in three whole weeks! – I could rest and relax all morning. Maybe go back to bed and read my book, a history of ancient Sumer. This will make me sound brilliant and witty when I just happen to mention that there are competing theories on the origins of the Sumerian people and totally get me some sugar. Hooray!

I could also sit in the bathroom all morning and flush my toilet over and over again, making showers a quick hellish trip from the Equator to the Arctic and back for my neighbours. It’s what they seem to do to me when I shower, eh.

I could go for a jog, but it’s like snowing and everything. And like, yuck.

I could play tag with my cat. This is his favourite game ever and he probably won’t stop mewing at me until I’ve chased him around the couch a few times. This has the added bonus of irritating my evil witch of a downstairs neighbour who bangs on my floor with her broomstick whenever my neighbours play their music loud. Old bag.

Or I could just go back to bed.

Canada Reaches Settlement With Torture Victim

From the New York Times, a headline I never would have imagined seeing a few years ago.

Maher Arar, the Canadian software engineer who was detained by American officials in 2002 and deported to Syria, where he was kept captive for nearly a year and regularly tortured, will receive more than 10.5 million Canadian dollars ($8.9 million) in compensation from the Canadian government, under a settlement announced today.

Blogger’s Rating Slips, Kills Pets

Bloggers across the world were stunned and horrified at the news that a 47-year-old woman from Ottumwa, Iowa killed her gerbil and an entire bowl of goldfish simply because her ranking on a popular link exchange site had slipped.

“So yeah. I spent all this time on this post on finally finding a brand of ketchup I can use in cool recipes and just on hot dog’s when I feel like just hotdog’s, wrote the blogger only identified by police as Rootin Tootin Rita on her blog Radical Ramblings of Rootin Tootin Ritas Roarin Roundup on her blog this morning after killing the animals, “and I spend all this time finding a cute blinking little image that reminds of Hello Kitty and I finally figure out how to make my blog play music as soon as you click on it (I chose Rhythm of the Nite by Debarge because it like totally rox and everyone really loves it!) and some total @-hole comes and gives me a bad rating so instead of being 7.5 im 7.2??!!! No Thank You!”

“What’s the matter @-hole, dont ya like ketchup! Hootie and the Blowfish must die.”

Although she was referring to the gerbil (Hootie) and the goldfish, police were summoned to the scene when another vigilant blogger who actually knows Rootin Tootin Rita – a rarity among bloggers – read this morning’s post and alerted them to a possible death threat against a soft pop band popular during mid-1990s known for their songs about golf.

“I though it was a little strange,” said the second blogger who would only identify himself as the Sybarite Skinflint, “because I thought Hootie and the Blowfish were already dead.”

The reaction across the blogosphere, renowned for its measured, considered responses, has been swift. Noted rightwing blogger Michelle Malkin praised Ms Tootin Rita as a “true patriot” for her love of ketchup and for killing the animals since many pets enter the United States illegally through foreign pet store networks, she claims. “What kind of sicko doesn’t want to kill foreign animals?” she asked.

Ms Malkin then published the blogger’s home address and phone number for “anyone who wanted to let this true red-as-ketchup-blooded American know what we think of her”.

On the left, Ariana Huffington wrote a scathing critique of the Bush Administration’s inability to enhance the free speech of bloggers by stifling the practice of blog rating. “How many dead gerbils, how many uprooted daisies, how many lawn sets smashed to smithereens before Dubya rides his mountain bike up the steep mountain slope of responsible regulation of this scourge on the face of blissful and free blogging?” wrote Ms Huffington, on her popular blog The Huffinton Post this morning.

The most unexpected reaction was from PETA who, in light of the killings, have labelled blogging as harmful to animals and are rumoured to be working on a virus that will be spread through various link exchange sites and blog search engines, in their spare time when they’re not throwing crap on Beyonce fans.

But whatever the reaction, the little gerbil wheel isn’t spinning anymore. And no one is swimming through the gates of the little plastic castle on a lonely and desolate fishbowl. And only the ketchup bottle knows why.

(Pillaged, as a test run, from my old blog)